drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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