Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
