I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
