Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
