My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
