I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
