The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
