Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
