Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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