I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
