the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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