I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
