My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
