I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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