I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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