the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
