I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
