I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
