Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
