Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
