this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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