if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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