Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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