just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
