Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
