I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
