$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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