she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
