i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
