why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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