ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
