i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
