I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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