i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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