he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
