...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
