i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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