when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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