so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
