i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
