Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
