Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
