Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
