8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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