apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
