i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
