I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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