y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
