He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
