in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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