you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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